innerslytherin

This was written for Pervy Werewolf's Post-DH Slightly Smutty Fest, but unfortunately the way this fic bunnied me, it ended up with no smut at all. McKay was good enough to say I could post it elsewhere instead of scrapping it. I had originally intended to post it on Halloween, but I decided that, since I posted a Redemption installment for lore's birthday on Halloween, this fic would fit just as well an All Souls Night.


Title: Life Among the Dead
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Remus/Severus, references to Tonks/Remus
WC: ~7300
Summary: Remus reaches out his hand and is pulled back into life - by his son, working on behalf of someone who has missed Remus dearly....

Notes: I listened to a lot of My Chemical Romance while writing this, especially The Black Parade. "Famous Last Words" is probably my theme song, ironically enough, for this piece. Thanks to my betas aunty_marion, senjism, thesnapelyone, and lore, and thanks to scribbulus_ink for her input as well.

Epigraphs are from the gorgeous and painful poem "How to Bring Someone Back from the Dead" by Veronica Schanoes. Title is from Evanescence's song "Bring Me to Life".






1. Pain
It hurts to come back from the dead. And it hurts to bring someone back
from the dead.


"What you were doing to get yourself a son in the first place..." Severus grumbled, brushing the dirt off Remus' clothes. "You've no idea how much I've hated you during the past seven years."

Remus blinked. It was dark, but Severus held a lit wand, and the stars were shining overhead. "You kidnapped my son," he repeated.

"I could have cut off his hand," Severus snapped. "There is no specification in the spell that it still be attached to the boy. It does require a blood sacrifice, though--you're lucky I donated that myself."

Remus had to give him that. But still. "You kidnapped my son."

"You seem rather stuck on that point."

"Is this my body?" Remus looked down at himself, then back up at Severus. Severus, he thought, looked very tired and older than he should. And, incongruously, he was wearing a red jacket. "Did you say seven years?"

Severus waved a hand, which was inexplicably wrapped with ruby-coloured yarn. "There are spells for reconstructing a body. It was your soul that was rather more difficult to manage."

Remus frowned. It felt strange to have a face--or maybe it was having skin that felt so strange. He had been running, the wind in his fur-- "What spell?"

Severus sighed and looked away. "Hand of the child outstretched, blood of the lover outpoured, heart of the enemy softened."

"Heart of the enemy softened?" Remus stared at him. What enemies did he have left, now that Voldemort was dead?

"Delores Umbridge died three years ago. Don't ask why your clothes are wet."

"Oh, ick." Remus glanced over at the slight boy whose hair currently looked exactly like Severus'--black, tangled, and down to his elbows. For that matter, his nose was shaped like Severus' as well. Remus wondered if it were the boy's idea of a joke, or if he actually admired Severus' looks. "All right, Teddy?"

The boy blinked and his eyes were suddenly green-gold, his hair tawny and grey-streaked. "I'm not called that."

Remus blinked, taken aback. "What…erm…"

"They called him the werewolf, or sometimes the pup," Severus said. "Occasionally the brat and sometimes the Half-Blood."

Remus stared at Severus, who looked uncomfortable.

"After Andromeda died, Narcissa felt she had to take him in, but she didn't really want him, and Draco left England six years ago. Potter wanted him, but I was damned if I'd see your son raised by him. If anyone was entitled to him, I was."

Teddy went over to Severus and wrapped an arm around his leg, resting his head against Severus' hip. He was wearing a red cloak that hung to his ankles "Severus calls me Prince John," the boy said finally.

Remus blinked rapidly for a moment. "Severus, when did you kidnap my son?"

Severus sighed and looked up at the stars. "Five years and eight months ago."

***

He couldn't walk very well. His body had been dead for seven years, as Severus kept reminding him whenever he got impatient with it. "Give it time to remember what it's there for," Severus advised, wrapping an arm around his waist and holding him up.

"Seven years," Remus muttered. They were nearly to the edge of the Great Wizarding War Heroes Memorial Garden and Graveyard. Remus swore once, softly, when he banged his shin on a headstone they hadn't seen in the tall grass.

"Severus says I oughtn't talk like that," Teddy said.

"Sorry," Remus muttered. He couldn't help but be amused by the prospect of Severus raising a child, but the fact that it was Remus' child brought up disturbing questions. How had Severus survived after the war? Why did he look so bone-weary and ragged? Severus had said he and Teddy had come a long way to bring Remus back--how far, exactly, did he mean? He wondered if he would ever get answers to those questions.

"You ought to eat something," Severus said, when they reached the tall wrought-iron fence that surrounded the graveyard.

Remus thought about that. "I'm not hungry."

"No, but you should eat," Severus repeated. "Your body needs to be reminded it belongs here."

"Here…" Remus paused. "We are in England?"

Severus' thin frame shook for a moment before Remus realised he was laughing. "For the moment," Severus replied, and Teddy looked reproachfully at Remus for some reason.

"Severus." Remus reached out to touch him, but Severus drew away. It hurt, though Remus didn't imagine he had any right to feel hurt. He wasn't even sure he had the right to be here at all, especially with Severus being the one who had brought him back.

"Eat," Severus rasped, and gestured at Teddy. He drew off a ways to lean against the fence, while Teddy opened a satchel and held out a crudely-constructed sandwich.

Remus didn't want to eat--the mere thought of food made him feel slightly ill--but he obeyed, choking it down as best he could. It was a mutton sandwich with lettuce, tomato, cheese, and mustard, something he would have loved back when he was alive. Wait, no, he was alive again. Wasn't he?

He decided not to ask.

Severus was shivering. Remus looked at him in concern. "What's wrong?"

"It's a long way," Teddy said. He sounded older than he should. "He's exhausted."

"Do you remember the time," Severus said, "when you and I met accidentally in Diagon Alley? I knew you had just come from one of those ridiculous Potterwatch broadcasts. I could have killed you, I was so angry with you."

"I…" Remus paused. There had been a silvery light in the sky, and his brothers called to him. He lifted his head to the light-- No, that wasn't right. "You said I shouldn't risk myself."

"You were worried Potter would die without knowing you'd forgiven him. Or that you would die without telling him."

Remus paused for another bite of sandwich, then nodded. He did remember, though it seemed distant, like a dream of a story he'd once been told. He swallowed. "There…were many things left unsaid when the others died. I didn't want that with Harry."

Severus' eyes glittered strangely in the wandlight as they met Remus'. Remus felt a slight push, and then --they had come together almost violently, Severus dragging Remus behind the back of a shop, into an alcove where they wouldn't be seen. Their kisses were desperate, their hands clutching, their bodies pressing and thrusting against each other. Remus had wanted to cry from the relief at seeing Severus, he had cried, he loved Severus so much--

Remus staggered backwards, clutching at his head. "Don't!" he gasped.

"You must remember!" Severus ordered.

"It hurts!"

Severus' voice was flat. "Yes. It hurts to come back from the dead."


2. Memories
Did I not mention the skein of wool?
Do not forget the wool. It is your memories, your time.


The cemetery gate was a large, double-wide, wrought iron monstrosity, beyond which could be seen rolling hills and trees. There were depictions of wizards and witches, house elves and centaurs, along with werewolves, half-giants and giants, the Whomping Willow, and a great snake. Severus made a noise of disgust and shouldered one of the gates open, ignoring the creaking protest it made.

"Things are going to get bad, Lupin," he murmured, and guided them through the gate.

The landscape around them shimmered and vanished. The starlight went out, and around them underbrush whispered and rustled. Remus could feel a breeze.

He watched his lover move forward, as if against a mighty force. He had loved Severus. He thought about being dead, about seven years of not being. It was hard to think he had been…not…for seven years. He didn't feel as though any time had passed. He felt as though he was an eternity old. He thought he still loved Severus. He wondered how much Severus had told Teddy.

It was raining in this new place. Remus tilted his face up to the sky, feeling the cold water against his skin. It was strange, a sensation he remembered, that felt like he'd never experienced it before. He didn't know how to be alive again.

"Remus." Severus' voice was near his ear and low, almost tender.

Remus closed opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Severus. His lover's eyes were dark, his gaze not flinching away from Remus'.

"Do you remember the time you and I walked in the rain?"

Remus watched the water hit Severus' face, rolling down the crooked nose. He wanted to lick it off, but suddenly Severus' hands were on his chest, holding him away. He stopped and looked down at them. They were graceful hands, with long fingers that splayed across the tattered blue robes Remus had been buried in. He remembered the hands on his body, how they had touched him. He remembered the robes, too, his favourite ones, that he had worn one day with Severus, and on the day he pretended to marry Tonks.

"It was the day after Albus died," Remus whispered. His voice was hoarser than it had been, more like when he was alive. When he was alive before. "It rained at Hogwarts. A slow, gentle rain, steady." He cleared his throat. His head ached. "You waited for me in the trees and I came to you." He closed his eyes, remembering. "I held you. You cried." Remus had cried, too.

They were both hurting, but it was so good to be in each other's arms, to still have that consolation. They'd clung to each other, and before the tears had dried they were kissing, promising each other they were still alive.

"I didn't want this," Severus had said. "I'm so tired of being the villain."

"You aren't." Remus had stroked his fingers through Severus' wet hair, holding his lover as if he could protect him somehow with his own body, as if he could force Severus to feel how much Remus loved him. "You are the hero. You did what Albus asked, no matter how hard."

"You're a fool to stay with me." Severus' voice had been less than a whisper.

Remus shook his head. "I love you," he said. "I'll always love you."

"Don't be stupid." Severus' entire body was shaking again, so Remus had kissed him until he calmed.

Severus made a pained noise, but it was confirmation.

"Did you say my son is a werewolf?" Remus asked. His voice broke.

The boy looked up, perhaps hearing. He stood and came over. "Why are you treating him like this?" he asked Remus. "He brought you back. We came through jungles, he had to fight off the lions and ask the wolves how to find you. His feet bled. Why are you being mean?"

Remus wasn't sure how he was being mean, but he felt a stab of pain where he thought maybe he was supposed to have a heart. It made him press a hand against his chest, pulling away. He breathed carefully, listening, and realised he did hear his own heart beating.

"I'm alive," he murmured, staring at the damp earth under his feet. He looked at Severus. Severus lifted his head.

"How far did you come?" Remus asked. "For me?"

Severus shuddered. "Too far," he murmured. "Not far enough." He closed his eyes, opened them again. "We aren't free yet, Lupin."

"I love you, Severus."

The whispered words made Severus shiver again, but it was different. Dark eyes flashed at him, and Remus could taste the way they felt to Severus, words he hadn't heard for seven years, words he had thought he would never hear again, in a hoarse voice that had once always spoken his name in passion and devotion. Severus' gaze held him, and Remus remembered…

Sirius and Severus had shouted at each other through most of the meeting. Remus had finally told Sirius to shut up, surprising everyone with his defence of Severus. But he was tired, so tired, of his old friend and his long-time lover being at odds. When the meeting was over, he beckoned Severus to join him, and they went upstairs where Severus could rant about Sirius for a while. Eventually they'd made love and then curled together under the covers, fortifying themselves to face the outside world again. These short hours together were all they had these days to bring them hope, but they were enough.

Remus began to cry. "It's too much," he gasped. "It's too much. How did you do it?"

Severus' arms were around him then, holding him together as he shook and cried and retched. The mutton was unpleasant, coming back up. Remus was on his knees in mud, rain trickling down the back of his neck. He turned his head to the side, trying not to look at the mess he'd made. There was blood on the grass by Severus' feet, and Remus reached out a wondering hand, but Severus jerked away, hauling Remus to his feet.

"Don't," he murmured. "Don't. Only the dead can drink the blood." His skeletal fingers were brushing through Remus' wet hair, stroking it back from his forehead. "You aren't dead any more." Remus leaned on him, clutching at him.

"You came for me," he murmured through trembling lips. Severus kissed him, ignoring the way his teeth chattered.

"Yes," Severus said. "Yes."

"I remember," Remus told him. "I remember us, I remember the war, I remember all of it."


3. The Journey

You will walk on the needles and your feet will bleed,
red like your jacket (You must always wear bright colors when you go to
the underworld).


Severus lowered his satchel to the ground again and took out a bundle of red cloth. He shook it out and it became a cloak, which he settled over Remus' shoulders. "Heavy, I know," he said, "and you're not used to wearing clothes again, but it's warm and waterproof."

Remus fingered the wool wonderingly, letting it prickle his fingertips, then rubbing his face against it to feel the scratch. He reached his fingers up to his jaw and felt stubble there. He didn't feel the scars he'd got in the first Battle of Hogwarts, three thin parallel lines running down the left side of his face, from temple to jaw. The third had been just at the corner of his eye; Poppy had told him he was lucky not to lose it. It was strange to think they weren't on this body. He wondered how many other scars were gone, in what manner Severus had reconstructed his body. He wondered if he really looked the same, though the way Teddy morphed when he looked at him suggested that he did, mostly.

His son was watching them. Remus wondered what he saw. The boy had lived most of his life with Severus; he would know him well--better, perhaps, than his father. Remus sighed.

"This is red." It was stating the obvious, but Severus heard the question there.

"The underworld is a dark place," Severus muttered. "The red reminds you of life."

"Thank you," Remus said. "Thank you for coming for me."

Severus looked away. "It was selfish of me. The world was too dark without you."

"You took care of my son."

"I hated him because he was yours and hers." Severus and Teddy were looking at each other as he said it, and the expression in Severus' eyes wasn't hatred. Remus saw that Teddy understood what Severus meant, though differently than Remus did.

"Harry was--"

"John is nothing like Potter."

Remus bit his lip and didn't continue. He had meant that hating Teddy for being Tonks' son was like hating Harry for being James'--but Severus probably knew what he had meant, and it didn't matter. Anyway, Lily had forgiven Severus. Tonks would have, too. He wasn't sure if Severus would ever forgive either of them, though. He wasn't sure if Severus should. He knew Severus shouldn't forgive him.

"It was the night we lost Moody," Remus said eventually. The rain was falling harder, pattering on the leaves, dripping down around them. He looked at Teddy, taking in the conversation with his avid black eyes. "She was upset--we both were--and she came to me for comfort. I didn't think anything of it, I took her into my bed. It was innocent enough. Then she started kissing me…" He closed his eyes, trying to remember through the tight pain in his head. "I don't know why I did it. It was quick, and I wasn't thinking…" He shook his head. "Then just a fortnight later she told me she was pregnant…"

Severus gave him a sharp look.

Remus shrugged. "Apparently witches just know this sort of thing."

"If the resurrection spell hadn't worked, I'd have said she pulled one over on you," Severus said, his voice venomous. "As it is, I have a lover who cheated on me." He turned his back on Remus and walked away, his strides short and jerky.

"Everyone always told me my dad was a nice man," Teddy observed. His hair was tawny again, with the silver threads that looked so incongruous on a seven-year-old. "Everyone liked him. He was nice and friendly and popular. But I hate you." His eyes flashed hazel-green, but the venom there was pure Severus.

He walked away.

Remus gripped the edges of his cloak and stumbled after them. Severus was moving too fast, and Remus couldn't seem to catch his breath. His heart was thudding hard against his ribcage. It took him a while to recognise the physical symptoms of terror. It had been a long time since he'd felt such strong emotions.

"Severus, wait!" he gasped finally, staggering and nearly falling. The trees were so thick, he felt as if they were pressing in on him. Perhaps they were moving. He couldn't tell. He crashed against a tree trunk and bounced off it, trying to keep moving forward. He was panting for breath.

Finally he realised Severus had stopped moving, but he hadn't turned around. The narrow shoulders were set and stiff, but he was waiting. Remus lurched to his lover's side and fell against him, sobbing.

Severus wrapped an arm around him, fingertips digging into Remus' shoulder. The other hand fumbled down Remus' wrist until the thin, cold fingers could grasp his own. "I can't look back," Severus said finally. "You must have studied classical mythology. If I look back, I'll lose you."

"Please don't lose me," Remus begged. He was dismayed to realise he had no pride left, but he supposed when your lover had to create a new body for you by pouring a fat woman's liquefied heart over your remains, there was little room for pride.

"Shh. I won't." Severus' nose rubbed lightly against Remus' neck, and he felt himself calming slightly. His body remembered that ahead of his mind; he relaxed automatically in Severus' embrace, leaning against him.

They started walking again, Severus helping him. "You're so brave," he murmured to Remus, "so strong, you can do this, keep walking for me, come on."

Teddy walked behind them. Remus was very aware of his son, listening to their words, watching them, judging him.

"I hated myself," Remus said. "Especially since I wondered if you'd heard about her, but…you never said anything." He didn't think he hated himself anymore. He didn't know how he felt about himself. He died. He wasn't sure if that was a punishment, or fate, or just stupidity, but he died. Suddenly he was alive again. He wondered if that meant he got to start fresh. He didn't think so. There was too much for which he had to make amends.

"I needed you too much," Severus whispered. He cleared his throat. "I was a coward. I thought if I said anything you would end it."

Remus' fingers tightened on Severus'. "I was a coward, too. I treated you both horribly. I betrayed you. I left her. I said it had all been a mistake and she should never have allowed herself to get pregnant." He shuddered. "All I could think was that my child would be a werewolf. And that you would hate me. That you already hated me, even though we were still together. I hated myself."

"He isn't a werewolf, exactly," Severus finally said. Remus would have relaxed, but exactly had implications.

"The wolves are trailing us again," said Teddy's voice, unexpectedly at Remus' other side.

Remus looked down. "Wolves?"

"We asked the wolves for help. On the way here. They--erm, kind of helped." And Teddy blurred, and there was a wolf cub standing next to Remus. He shook himself and trotted off into the underbrush.

"He's an Animagus. Born with it, I think."

Remus shook. "Oh God."

"When he was smaller, the changes were involuntary, at the time of the full, and painless. He obviously kept his own mind, so the Wolfsbane was never required. Minerva thought it was because you'd been on the potion, but I knew that couldn't be the case." Severus shrugged. "I have always supposed it was her powers combined with your condition."

"Severus--"

"Don't apologise again, Lupin, you'll only embarrass yourself and piss me off."

Stung, Remus closed his mouth and watched Severus, who was looking to the sides but being careful not to actually turn back. "He said something about the wolves earlier. Something about asking them how to find me?"

"They said your spirit was running with them," Severus said. "We weren't sure what that meant, but we thought it might help find you, so John ran with them for a while, too."

"Why John?" Remus asked. "I can understand the Prince part."

Severus sighed. "Because it's your middle name, and he's all I had left of you, but I couldn't bring myself to call him Remus. If I called him that, it would mean I'd given up all hope of getting you back." His hand tightened on Remus'. "I refused to do that."

"I don't deserve you," Remus said softly. "I know that. I knew that then. But I'm glad. I love you, Severus."

Years ago, Severus would have said something in response to that, Remus thought. Something sardonic or witty, denying the importance of love but nevertheless showing Remus just how important it was that Remus keep saying it. Time--death--must have changed that. Severus closed his eyes.

"I love you, too." He opened his eyes finally and looked at Remus. "I love you, too. But if I brought you back only for you to make a fool of me again, I will kill you again myself. I won't have it. I can't." His voice broke, which drove home again how much Remus' lover had changed.

"Seven years, Severus," he said, his voice a mixture of despair and yearning. "I'm afraid."

Severus' hand on his told him that Severus was afraid too.

"But I'm sure," Remus added after a while. "No matter what it costs me, or how hard it is, or how afraid I am--I will be yours and only yours until I die. Again." Those words, he suddenly realised, might not mean as much, since he'd come back to life. "For all eternity."

Severus let out a shuddering breath and pulled Remus forward again. "We have some distance left to go," he muttered.

Remus stumbled, grateful for the way Severus caught him and held him up, supporting his weight. He was suddenly very tired. And he was confused and frightened of the way Severus hadn't promised to be his. But he had said he loved Remus, and he had proven it by bringing him back. Remus had always wanted words and reassurance, where Severus spoke with his actions and used words to deceive and misdirect. This time, Remus was at Severus' mercy; he would have to remember that Severus used his actions to show his love.

They stumbled on.


4. The Moon

You will ask the sun for direction and you will ask the moon.
Neither will help you; the moon is not able and the sun is not willing.


They had been walking again for about an hour, and Remus was growing increasingly worried about his son, when from the underbrush around them burst a tremendous yammering and howling. Severus went still, tensing and staring straight ahead. Remus felt a strange twitch from deep inside his body radiating outwards, and then he fell to the ground.

Distantly, he heard Severus swear, and he felt his cloak and then his clothes being ripped away from him. He didn't pay attention; his thoughts were taken up by the way his body was twisting. It was almost familiar, but it didn't hurt. He cried out in confusion and the noise came as a howl.

Several minutes later a skinny, shaggy wolf rose to its feet and shook himself. Remus looked up at Severus, wanting his lover to have answers for him.

Severus just shook his head. "There goes my theory that being dead would cure your lycanthropy," he murmured. He knelt and stroked Remus' face. "But you're in there, aren't you? You have your mind."

Remus licked him.

Severus swatted him on the snout, then caressed him again. "No licking. Your son has managed to learn that; why can't you?"

Remus laughed a wolfy laugh at him, and that made Severus chuckle.

"Prince John, you may come out. Your father is here, and it is time for you to accept him."

The cub trotted out and surveyed his father for a moment. Remus growled at him, finding things easier, somehow, this way. The cub came closer, lifted his head, and licked at Remus' mouth. Severus snorted, but Remus closed his teeth gently on the cub's muzzle, and that was that. John came closer and leaned against Remus, and Severus let out a relieved chuckle.

"The full moon won't last long," he informed Remus. "The nights are long, but the moon changes quickly here. So does the sun."

Remus didn't know what that meant, but he could sense the pain in his lover's voice. He walked forward and insinuated himself under Severus' hand. The fingers curled in his fur, and after a while Severus sighed and smiled down at him.

"Come. We should keep walking."

They moved on. Remus could hear the other wolves keeping pace with them, but though he allowed John to scamper between them and the wolves, he himself never left Severus' side. His ears twitched and swivelled as he listened to their conversation, and the sounds of soft weeping and sighing that blew on the wind.

"You seem stronger, in this form," Severus said after a long time. "As if you're more used to it, now, than your human one."

Remus let out a small wuff. He didn't think he was used to any body any more, but this one had two extra legs to keep him upright. He stopped and shook himself, then caught up to Severus again.

They had only been walking for a few hours when Remus' legs gave out. He flopped down on the ground, yipping in shock and feeling his fur begin to crawl and shiver. He sighed and looked up at Severus, who watched, unflinching, as Remus became a man again.

Panting, Remus lay still as Severus wrapped arms tightly around him and held him for a long minute. He was tired, so tired, but he knew better than to say anything; Severus had already come this way once, and he had not asked for a rest. Remus would walk as long as he was able.

"I'm thirsty," Remus whispered finally, and Severus held a flask of water to his lips. He allowed only two sips, but it was enough to get Remus on his feet again.

Remus scratched himself all over, feeling odd and achy, but not as bad as he usually did after a transformation. Severus gave his clothes back, helping him dress, and they began walking again. The waning gibbous moon set, and darkness grew more profound. Severus' lit wand was all they had to guide them. John was trotting, in his wolf form still, at Remus' side now. The other wolves had gone, but there seemed to be voices in the woods, or perhaps behind them, whispering things Remus couldn't quite understand. He shivered.

"Will it be better when the sun rises?" Remus asked.

Severus shuddered. "No."

Remus could almost feel his own strength growing, since the transformation. He was walking on his own, his fingers still clasped tightly in Severus'. Once, when Severus stumbled, Remus kept him upright. He glanced at Severus, but his lover was looking straight ahead.


5. Blood

Your feet will bleed.
If the dead drink the blood, they will be able to speak to you, but they
will not come back with you. Be careful. Do not let the person you want to
bring back drink your blood.


Severus began stumbling more often, and Remus finally tugged him to a halt. His lover glared at him, silently demanding a reason for their stopping.

"You need to rest," Remus said. "You're close to collapse."

"I can't," Severus said. "If I fall asleep--"

"At least sit for a moment," Remus interrupted. "I can't carry you if you fall."

After a long moment, Severus nodded and sat, burying his face in his hands.

A small hand slipped into Remus' and he looked down at John in surprise.

"I want to show you," the boy said, tugging at his hand. Remus followed him a little distance away, then crouched when John beckoned him closer.

"What is it?" Remus asked.

John stared solemnly at him, his face becoming a younger mirror of Remus' again. "If Severus does it wrong, he'll die. I wasn't supposed to tell you, but I don't want him to die. I love him more than you."

Remus gazed at the sombre little face of his son. "Are you certain?" he asked softly. "Bringing me back could kill him?"

John began to nod, then hesitated. "Only if he messes up. If he does it right, he says I'll have a proper family."

Remus' throat tightened and he gripped John's shoulder gently. "That's right," he murmured. "We'll be a proper family. I do love him, John, and I love you, too. I know you're disappointed in me--"

"What's that mean?"

Remus paused and sighed. "You don't like me very much right now," he amended. "But it will all be well."

"And you'll make sure Severus doesn't die?" John asked, only the tiniest hint of suspicion in his gaze.

"I'll do everything I can to make sure of that," Remus promised. He stroked a hand softly over his son's hair and went to speak to his lover.

"It's true, in essence," Severus rasped, looking up at Remus. He hadn't even given Remus a chance to ask.

"You were eavesdropping."

"You were always fairly easy to read," Severus said, shrugging. "And I've raised John as my own. Even though he knows more about hiding his thoughts and emotions than most seven-year-olds, he can't hide them from me." He struggled to his feet, letting Remus help him. "More than anything, I'm exhausted. And I can't do anything about that, or I die at best, or we lose you at worst."

"I think you've got that backwards," Remus said wryly, but he put his arms around Severus and held him up. "I'll help you however I can."

"Keep me awake," Severus muttered. "And keep me walking." He glanced up into the darkness over them. "They're getting close again," he added, as if to himself.

Remus didn't understand, but he wasn't going to push. "How did you keep John for all these years?" he asked. "I'm surprised Harry didn't come looking for him."

"I'm afraid I killed him." Severus' voice sounds almost amused. He pauses, leaving Remus in suspense for several heartbeats. "Teddy Lupin, that is. I pinned it on Greyback and got the werewolf executed. No one except the Malfoys even knows I'm still alive, of course."

Remus nodded and propelled Severus gently forward. He couldn't complain; he would rather have Severus raise his son than anyone else, even Harry, whom he had loved for his own sake as well as his parents'. "Do you know where we're going?"

Severus shrugged. "Home."

Remus realised suddenly that he could see better than he had been. He glanced around and saw that a mist had come up around them, reflecting the light of Severus' wand. They were walking through trees with broad leaves covered in spider webs. Remus shuddered and brushed one away from his face. "Do you know where we are?"

Severus sighed. "I don't want to know."

The whispering voices, which had been creeping in Remus' ears all this time, were growing louder. Sometimes he almost caught a word, and he thought he could tell by intonation that some voices were female and some male. He glanced around, thinking he'd seen movement, but Prince John pressed against his leg on that side, and Severus hissed.

"Don't look back!"

"What are they?" Remus flinched as one of the dead spoke his name. He didn't look away from Severus' face.

"My feet are bleeding again," Severus said matter-of-factly. "If the dead drink the blood, they can speak."

Remus' eyes widened, but he didn't look away from Severus' face.

"The blood is only for the dead," Severus added. "It's why I wouldn't let you too close to it. If they drink it, they won't come back."

Remus shuddered and clutched at him.

Severus….Severus… the voices called, in their whispery, paper-thin voices. Remus felt his lover tremble and held on to him. Severus… cried a woman's voice.

Misty shapes drifted near them, and Remus jerked his eyes away, not wanting to see. Some of them had spoken his name. He didn't want to talk to the dead.

"They helped me find you," Severus whispered.

Did Remus owe them, then? He frowned and looked up, but there was nothing in the shapes to recognise. They called his name, over and over, but he didn't know any of them.

Severus shivered again. "Keep walking," he said.



The light was increasing, though the thickness of the trees and the fog kept Remus from being able to see the source of the light. Prince John had become the wolf again, trotting relentlessly on. Remus wondered if he were tiring.

They stumbled out of the trees as the sun broke over the horizon behind them. Remus shielded his eyes, squinting first at the sea of sand in front of them, then starting to turn.

Severus grabbed him. "Don't look back!" he shouted hoarsely, and Remus squeezed his eyes closed, turning to face forward again. His heart was pounding. How could he have forgotten?

He heard his lover give a small gasp, and he opened his eyes to see Severus' skin reddening visibly in the sunlight. It felt very hot. He looked down and realised his own skin was doing it, too, though not as quickly. He tugged Severus' cloak over his head and wrapped it around him, then did the same to his own. A glance at John told him the wolf cub wasn't burning, though he definitely felt the heat; he was panting, mouth open, and lifting first one foot, then another, from the sand.

"We have to cross," Severus said, his voice rasping again.

"We can't wait until nightfall?" Remus asked, though he knew the answer would be no. Severus couldn't stay awake that long.

"Night never falls on this desert," Severus replied. He hissed. "No matter when you come to the sand, it's always day. The sun doesn't care for the living or the dead."

Remus felt dread creep down his spine, but he wrapped one arm around Severus' shoulders and they moved on.


6. Burning

You may ask
wolves for help, but you should not believe what they tell you. They do
not think carefully. They do not think as we do.


The wolf cub was tired. He lay whimpering in the shade of a rock and didn't lift his head. Remus wondered if he could carry the wolf cub easier, or the boy. He crouched over John, stroking his fingers through the fur, and looked up at Severus, who was hunched on the rock.

"Do we have any water left?"

In silence, Severus held out the flask. Remus cupped his hands, which were reddened and blistered, and Severus poured the water into them. Remus thought he heard his flesh sizzle. The water felt good. He lowered his hands to let John drink.

A soft tongue lapped it all up, then bathed his hands tenderly. Remus found himself smiling despite the pain. John was exhausted and thirsty, but he still cared for others--even for the father who had abandoned him.

"I can carry you better as a boy," Remus murmured. "So you can help hold on. Do you think you can change?"

Severus didn't speak. He hadn't spoken for much of the day. Remus was frightened for him, but he didn't know what else to do but keep going.

The air around the wolf shimmered and blurred, and Remus leaned quickly to cover all of him in the shade of his cloak. Then the boy crouched there before him, blinking red-rimmed eyes. "I'm thirsty," he whispered.

"I know. We haven't much water left; we have to conserve it," Remus said. He thought it was a lie; he thought Severus had just given John the last of the water. He took the boy into his arms and wrapped him carefully in the cloak. He felt John's legs clamp on to his waist, and thin arms slide around his neck. He looked up at Severus.

"Can you walk unaided?" he asked. "I may need all my strength for Prince John."

There was a soft breath. "Go…without me…" Severus said.

A shock of emotion so powerful Remus couldn't tell if it was hot or cold ran through his body, and he jerked. "No!" he exclaimed. "I won't leave you!"

"…die…" Severus murmured.

"Better that we all die with you than that we abandon you!" Remus said. "Do you not think I've learned from my mistakes?"

There was no answer but a sigh, but Severus shuddered to his feet.

They began walking again.

How far? Remus wondered. How far have we come, how far must we go? He knew he shouldn't speak, but he wanted to know what came after the desert. Perhaps they were getting close. Perhaps they would never arrive. He held his tongue. If Severus answered, it would cost him energy and moisture. It might cost them all hope. They would just keep walking in silence.

*

Remus stumbled, and he couldn't catch himself. He twisted, landing on one shoulder to avoid landing on John. The boy let out a little shriek, but he didn't struggle. Ignoring the sharp pain in that shoulder, Remus forced himself to his knees, wrapping the cloak around them again. He had stopped sweating, though he knew it was still hot. Severus was a bright figure next to him, head bowed inside the hood. He didn't stop walking when Remus fell; Remus knew if Severus stopped walking he would fall down himself.

With a groan, Remus got to his feet. He thought his shoulder was bleeding, but he didn't know what to do about it. Perhaps it would provide moisture for one of them--or would it trap them here, to drink even the blood of a man who had been dead?

There was a feather-light touch on his shoulder, and the pain suddenly eased a little. He looked up, startled. The dead hadn't been with them since they left the jungle.

A woman's ghostly figure stood there, lowering her fingers from her mouth. Her features were shrouded, though her gaze was green. Her hair length kept changing. He couldn't focus his eyes properly.

Walk... she said, and Remus nodded and kept walking.

When he lifted his head to gaze at the horizon, he could see a shimmering in the distance. He wondered if it were a mirage, or if it were water. He prayed for water. He expected a mirage.

Severus was coughing, dry, hacking coughs. Remus wondered if his lover were taking on Remus' death. It couldn't be so. Remus wouldn't allow it to be so. He shifted so he could support Severus, too. He felt tired and thirsty, so thirsty, but he felt strong. He wondered if he grew stronger the closer they got to the living lands, or if it were his lycanthropy.

"How close are we?" Remus asked his lover softly.

"I don't know," Severus said. Remus peered under the hood at him. He was walking with his eyes closed. "I don't know."

They walked.



The wolves were suddenly around them again, bounding and leaping and yelping encouragement. One of them darted in to snap at Remus' heels, then darted away again. Remus stumbled forward, moving more hastily. He wondered if he could transform, carry John on his back, and give Severus something to lean on. He didn't know if he could transform the way his son had, though. He thought about it, but he couldn't grasp how to make it happen. It was just something that happened to him.

He wanted to cry, his eyes prickled, but nothing came. He stared at the ground instead of the horizon, putting one foot in front of the other. The wolves bounded away, still yipping and barking.



There was a ruby-coloured cord stretched on the ground under his feet. Remus stared at it, then leaned down to touch it. When his fingers brushed it, his body jolted as

Severus turned away, ignoring Remus' insistence that he was speaking the truth when he said he didn't care what Sirius thought of their relationship. It was raining outside Remus' little cottage, and Severus had brought the news that the first meeting of the re-formed Order would be in two days' time. Sirius was asleep. Remus wanted to touch Severus, to show him he didn't care if they were caught. Remus poured them both fresh cups of tea and carried one to Severus, letting their fingers brush--

"Remember," Remus mumbled as he released the cord. His lips cracked, but he didn't lick them. His mouth was too dry, anyway.

He frowned and took a step forward, then bent to touch it again. He was prepared this time for

Tonks giving a final wail and squeezing his hands so tightly he felt the bones shift, and then the wailing voice wasn't that of his wife but of his son, his son, and Remus was a father, dear Merlin, and the boy was thrust, bloody, into his arms--

"You remember me?" John asked, his voice very small.

"Yes," Remus whispered, smiling though it made his lips bleed. "I love you."

He lifted his head and looked at his lover's back. Severus had kept walking, one step, another. He looked very fragile. With a sudden wave of energy, Remus bounded forward. He seized Severus' hand in his and lowered their joined fingers to grasp the cord. Severus gasped in surprise but

"I love you, I love you," Remus was murmuring, "always you, only you, you are my heart, my breath, my joy--" Severus clutched at him, shaking still from the horror of the night he'd spent watching Charity Burbage murdered, but Remus stroked his back, whispering that he was proud of Severus, Severus was so brave, and Remus had never loved anyone but Severus...

Severus made a choked noise, and the cloaked shoulders heaved twice, then he stood straighter. "I remember that night," he murmured, his voice stronger than it had been. "You swore it was only me, only ever me."

"Yes. And so it was, and so it is." Remus' fingers were tight on Severus'.

"I love you, Remus. I will always love you." Severus lifted his head, looking ahead of them, and grunted.

Remus looked, too.

The shimmer on the horizon was closer. It was definitely water. Remus let out a sob. He took Severus' hand in his, and together they began to run. Holding John together, arm in arm, they plunged into the sea.